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Dispatchers in Heaven
Two engineers go to heaven and find a long line at the pearly
gates. While waiting, they see a dispatcher walk by carrying a clipboard
and track warrant forms. He goes to the front of the line and walks
right through the pearly gates. When engineers get to the front of the
line they ask St. Peter why the dispatcher got to bypass the entire
line and walk right in. St. Peter replied, "That wasn't a dispatcher.
That was God. He just thinks he's a dispatcher."
Top Ten Railroad Word Definitions
Thanks to T. Harrison
Model Railroad definitions of prototype words.
10. Helper - The person you'd least want touching your
trains and working on your layout but who is the only one who shows
up regularly for work nights.
9. Helix - A cat that enjoys sitting in tunnels waiting
for trains to come in so he can attack.
8. Glad hands - Those little cherubic hands that want
to reach up and touch everything. Also known as why you should have
built your bench work at 58".
7. Flying switch - The Shinohara that has given you trouble
for so long that you finally send it sailing across the room. Editor's
note: Certainly this honor does not belong to Shinohara alone!
6. Hack - That fellow with all the (alledged) electronics
experience who completely rewires your club layout without wire diagrams,
schematics, or written notatations of any sort who quits just before
it's discovered it ain't a workin' (usually one week before the open
5. Flimsie - The way you built the roadbed that just dropped
your best friend's brand new $2000+ brass Big Boy on the floor!
4. Form 19 - The paper work a psychiatrist is required
to fill out when you foolishly admit you are a model railroader.
3. Spring switch - Your first hand laid turnout with the
points that simply refuse to line up with either stock rail!
2. Protecting the rear -
a) What the guy is supposed to do to the back of the van to keep all the club's
modules from falling out all over the freeway at 70mph.
b) What the guy actually does when the van doors open and the club's modules
are distributed on the Interstate at 70mph.
And the #1 definition
1. Retarder - See Helper above.
Top 11 Reaons Railfanning is Better Than Deer Hunting
11. Trains are always in season.
10. Train lovers don't get mad at you for shooting "Thomas
the Tank Engine."
9. You can't use a scanner to tell when deer are getting
8. No arguments when two people shoot the same train at
the same time. (But if you get in my way, I will use my .357 people
filter on you.)
7. No boring deer hunting stories.
6. Nobody cares if you use a railroad crossing sign to "sight
in" your camera.
5. Three words: "Hunting License Fee."
4. SD90MAC's don't need to be field dressed.
3. Working models of deer? Yeah, right.
2. There's no limit on how many trains you are allowed
1. Unless they are really dumb, your buddies won't mistake
you for the Southwest Chief.
What is a gravy train? I didn't know they were actually
hauling gravy by rail. Do people gather around big mounds of mashed
potatoes waiting for the 5:15 gravy to show up?
How to Solve Any Model Railroading Problem
There's no situation more track and turnouts can't solve.
Road and Track tests a 2-10-0
Decapod. You will need Adobe
Reader to read this joke.
If computer error messages were haikus:
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
Three things are certain:
death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
A file that big?
It might be very useful,
but now it is gone.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
The code was willing.
It considered your request,
but the chips were weak.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
How Not to Write a Program - Or an Operating System!
If builders built buildings like programmers wrote programs,
the first woodpecker to come along would have destroyed civilization.
(I hope all of us who have written programs aspire to do better than
Training for Management:
An Indian walks into a cafe with
a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets
the Indian a
tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the
animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the
counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your
from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for
position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others
to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
Classic Internet Jokes
If you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end.
This is an actual account as reported to paramedics at a chili cook-off
in Texas For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened
standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so
and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
I hope thatâ?~s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTINâ?~S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBAâ?~S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
standing behind me with fresh refills.
This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
flames. I pooped on myself when I broke wind,
and now I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need
with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSANâ?~S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is
rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed
mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend of chili.
Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
Judge # 3 - No Report
Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?
Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School
of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh
is known for asking
questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams.
His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum,
Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic?
Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have
some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So,
at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls
leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell,
it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's
look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some
of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions
and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay
the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
Two options exist:
If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase
until all hell breaks loose.
If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan
during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before
I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still
have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option
2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."
How Men and Women Change the Oil
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since
the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave
with a properly
$20.00 Oil Change
1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 dollars
for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand
cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container
is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole
in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking
for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another
beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot
oil on you in
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No,
drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to
apply thin coat of
clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug
from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain
plug before the whole quart of
fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench
December (1992) in the left breast.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to
$200 Impound and towing fee
Anyone with a workbench will relate to these....
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted heirloom you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "SH**!!!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
until you die of old age.
4. CIRCULAR SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
5. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
6. BELT SANDER: An electric tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
7. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
8. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
palm of your hand.
9. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
10. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
11. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
12. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
under the bumper.
13. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
14. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood and wire wheel wires.
15. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
16. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your
17. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool 10 times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes, thereby ending any possible future use.
18. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
19. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
without the handle.
20. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
21. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
22. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used,
the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
23. BLADE SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
24. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off. Also used to quickly snap
off lug nuts.
25. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
26. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
27. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
object we are trying to hit. Primarily used to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
28. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts
the other hand not holding the knife. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
29. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
30. RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
31. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grap and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT"
at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
32. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.